The last time I posted something here was almost 6 months ago, I believe it was just before Ramadhan. It is Muharram now. To be specific, the second day of Muharram. A new year in the Islamic calender. Banyak yang dah berlaku dalam beberapa bulan ni. Yang paling besar, yang paling significant adalah I am now a pregnant lady, alhamdulillah.
Before I start, from now on, my entry will be a mixture of english language and bahasa melayu. That is just how I think. If I need to translate everything that I am thinking into bahasa melayu before typing it out, I wouldn't be able to express what I want. So, sorry kalau memeningkan kepala korang k.
Back to my story. I have been dreaming of being pregnant since I was 16 years old. Haha muda2 dah berangan nak mengandung kan... If you had known me from my school years, you wont be surprised by this statement. For some reasons, I had been husband hunting since a very young age. At 16, I had given up. I was sick of men because they were so immature. I said to myself "Malas lah nak fikir dah". The next week I was sent to Kem Kepimpinan Pengawas Negeri Selangor at Dusun Eco Resort, Bentong. Setiap sekolah di negeri selangor menghantar seorang wakil, pengawas yang mempunyai potensi paling besar untuk menjadi ketua pengawas bagi tahun berikutnya.
The ratio of men to women there was huge. I think it was about 10 men for every woman. So just when I had decided to stop thinking about men, I was surrounded by so many of them. Semuanya orang2 yang mempunyai sifat kepimpinan, keyakinan dan keterampilan yang hebat. Dugaan giler. But really I wasn't looking for my man at that time. Ditakdirkan Allah, di situ lah saya berjumpa dengan suami saya, Sabran Jamil Ab Razak, from Gombak Setia, my rival school.
Dipendekkan cerita, we kept in touch by mail (surat ye) and house phone. Zaman tu orang tak pakai handphone lagi. After 1-2 months, we said to each other, we will stop contacting each other unless this relationship is going somewhere. Waktu tu just before Ramadhan. Starting Ramadhan, kami istikarah selama 3 bulan. I don't have his picture so I don't actually remember his face. But through my istikarah, I saw a man standing besides me with a little baby girl in my arms. Later on I found out by accident that that man was after all, my Sabran. So from that moment on, I have been waiting to meet my little girl. I have been picturing myself being pregnant with her. I even have a name for her since then.
Ok panjang tak intro? Kalau ade grammatical error tu buat2 tak nampak je lah ye. Dah lama sgt saya tak menulis, in both languages.
We wanted to get married right away after SPM tapi sah sah lah tak boleh kan. Then I went to KMB and he went to KDU. We both wanted to do Medic together and we had chosen NZ as our destination. I went first and I thought he would follow me. He ended up going to Jordan to do syariah/usul fiqh. I was heart broken when I heard the news. I thought that was the end of us. There is no way a long distance relationship would work. But it did. We got married about a year later. PJJ (perkawinan jarak jauh) selama 3 tahun. Then he came to NZ in 2009. I was so excited because I thought finally I can get pregnant. The same year, NZ passes a law that if an International student gets pregnant during her study, she will be send home to her country. So again, we had to wait. I was supposed to graduate in early 2011, but I got sick with graves disease (hyperthyroid). I was put on Carbimazole and was told you should not get pregnant while you are on this medication. It would be for about 1 to 2 years. Again, I was heart broken. On top of my type 1 diabetes, I now have another medical problem that is ruining my life. I cried non-stop for 2 days.
It was hard then. I really can't see my future. What lies ahead of me. It was all so very blurry. I had to stop studying for about 10 months. That was when I came back to Malaysia and was introduced to Herbalife. That is one hikmah that I can gather from what had happened. I went back to NZ to finish my study in April 2012 and completed my study in August 2012. Graduated in December 2012 at home because it was just too expensive to fly back to NZ. During those rocky times, I still hope to become a mother but with all of my medical complication, I wasn't allowed to.
In February 2013 (this year), I decided to ignore my medical condition. I am going to try and get pregnant anyway. Even without my doctor's permission. I really thought it would be easy. My mom got pregnant right away after she got married. She has 7 children. So I thought I would just easily followed her footstep. I was certainly wrong. It was hard. Every 21 days I would cry because I got my menses. It was so stressful and menyiksakan jiwa dan raga. In May, I discussed with my Endocrinologist about stopping my medication. Since my thyroid level has been normal for the past few checks, she allowed me to stop my medication. At that moment, I told myself "Now, I can certainly get pregnant". Again, I was wrong. I started eating so much because I was very stressed out. All the weight that I have lost previously, I had gained again plus 1 extra kg. It was so bad, I know. I was super miserable that I just didn't know how to handle it.
A few things happened then.
1) I ate healthily.
2) I started going to gym. I think I only managed to go twice before Ramadhan. I had to stop during Ramadhan because I was afraid my blood sugar would drop too low.
3) The last 10 days of Ramadhan, I heard on TV. An ustaz was telling the audience, "Kalau puan-puan nak mengandung, inilah masa yang terbaik. Doa banyak2. Jangan putus berharap. InsyaAllah, lepas raya nanti ramai yang dah mengandung"
Sejak dari itu, saya tak putus doa. Doa nak mengandung je.. Tak ingat dah kalau saya sempat doa pasal benda lain. Yang pasti, tak henti-henti saya doa nak mengandung. The first week of raya, I went to the doctor to check whether I was preganant. There wasn't actually any real indication. I did urine pregnancy test 1 week before and it was negative. Even when the odds were against me, I didn't care. I went for an ultrasound scan on my birthday. The doctor said " your uterus is empty but your walls looks like a pregnant lady's". She did a urine test for me and for the first time in my life, there were TWO lines. I really couldn't believed my eyes. She was surprised too. So she did a blood test to reconfirmed and after three very long days, it was confirmed that I was pregnant. It was still too early to be detected by scan but I was soooo happy. That was the best birthday present I had ever received in my life. At 28 years old, my dream finally came true. My little miracle. My lalilatulqadar baby.
It has been such a long road to motherhood. This pregnancy has not been one smooth ride. But that is for another day. Kita sambung lain kali k.
Oh ye, I wish to thank my best friend Nadiah and my husband, Sabran. Dua orang ni lah yang memaksa saya untuk menulis semula. Nadiah said "Tulislah kat blog ili semua perasaan ili. Semua apa yang berlaku sekarang. Orang zaman sekarang dah tak tulis diary dah".. Huhu.. InsyaAllah saya akan cuba gunakan blog ni sebaik mungkin untuk berkongsi segala yang berlaku. Manalah tahu, ada orang yang akan manfaat dpd kisah hidup saya. Till next time, take care and all the best!!